in my heart

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another." -- Anatole France

lets hope it's true

It is said

"where there is faith, there is doubt" St. Augustine (i think)

So, I am about to take the biggest step of faith ever and I am experiencing the most doubt, ever.

One thing I do not doubt is who I am journeying with on this walk of faith. Mark is my rock and strength. I cannot imagine my life with out him. So in my struggle to trust in God and God alone I look to the one who inspires me every day with his faith and conviction and strength.

it's over for now...

Thanks for all of your prayers. It seems our crisis is over for now. Ryan is doing really really well and her prognosis is good. The doctors have all agreed that she has years,many years before she is facing heart surgery. PRAISE BE TO THE GOD OF ALL HEALING. Her doctors has made the determination that her heart disease is one that she has had from birth and that she will not be 'treated" until she becomes symptomatic...again.
She can go back to life with no real restrictions and enjoy her family and life as she always has.
I prayed for a miracle, but Ryan's situation in many ways is one already and as a dear from reminded me.. who knows Lori, this could just be the beginning of your miracle. Who's to say that a complete healing of Ryan must take place all at once - it just may take 10 or 15 years, guess that will be determined then!
and she is right...
I am still praying!!!

I will be leaving Miami in a few days and I am sad to think I will not spend my days with my two girls....I have been with Maya everyday of her life, OH BOY! it is going to be an adjustment.

I love watching my daughter be a mommy. She is patient and relaxed and to honest just amazes me sometimes. I can see how much she loves Maya just in the way she holds her, kisses her cheeks and looks into her eyes. I hope [she] knows that I feel the same way about her..now, always and forever.

We have a couple doctors appointments this week, with her cardiologist on Friday which we are very anxious for...
I tell you what I am praying for;

"God, Ok I want one of those miracle stories..you know the ones where the doctors take another look and everything is perfect with no explanation to what happened..no evidence of anymore illness, You know what I am taking about God, I want one of those stories to tell"
Can you all pray that prayer this week?????

Prayer

When my daughter was 10months old I almost lost her. She spiked a high fever and suffered convulsions from the high temps of her body. There was never a firm reason for why this happened. It had been several days, many test and the doctors where finding no reason for the fever, or where it was coming from. But I remember the night the doctor told us that if we were believers we may want to call our clergy. It was a scary night for a mom of 19 years old. It was that night that I am sure I experienced a miracle. Through the prayers of many believers my daughter's fever broke, there was never a repeat of incident and she was fine. At the time I was in a place where God was a distant relative. I was raised to believe and always felt like God was near but I certainly was not at a place where I was conversing with God. But I knew then that I had seen something out of the ordinary, and something that did not make logical sense.

Ahead 26 years....

A week ago my daughter now 27, a beautiful, healthy young women entered the hospital to give birth to my granddaughter. I arrived in Miami at 3:00pm and left the airport for the hospital. Maya was born at 11:32 that night. 20 mins after Maya was born my daughter crashed, she went into heart failure. This time I wasn't looking into the eyes of Ryan's daddy but the eyes of my daughter's husband and knew what he was feeling because I was too and I had felt it before, desperation at the thought of Mark and I loosing her, at the thought of JC and Maya loosing her. This time it was not prayer by proxy but my own words to a Father I now know much better, the prayers of her daddy, and her husband, that begged the Father for the life of my daughter. It was again a long a scary night as I sat beside her bed and waited hour by hour for improvement that would tell us she was going to get better. As the night went on, more and more prayers were offered as our family learned of Ryan's condition. I believe again something out of the ordinary, and something that did not make logical sense was happening. For the next several days, and still today the doctors are asking many questions that they have yet to find answers. Neither can they explain how quickly she regained strength, enough to go home and care for her baby.
Is she well? no, we now know she has heart disease. The doctors are not sure yet if it is congenital or not, or caused in childhood, but I am questioning how these two events are related. We have a lot ahead..but I am confident in the power of prayer and I know God is hearing a choir of voices on Ryan's behalf.
I also know this, God knew Ryan's heart and put her in the right hospital, when her OB changed hospitals just a few weeks before she was do to deliver and as the spirit prompted me to change may plans as I was not scheduled to arrive till 4 days later than I did and as I planned to stay with Ryan for 4 weeks when she had Maya and everyone thought I was crazy. I never really understood why I decided to stay that long but now I do.
The other thing I know that when I prayed last week, God was remembering when I spoke those same words to him 26 years earlier even if I didn't think my prayers were worthy to be heard, he listened and acted.

A year has past

2007 was a year I committed to not buying anything I did not need. It is over and 2008 is here and as I reflect I feel like it was a tremendous growing year for me.

Can I sit here and say I did it without exception...AHH NO!!! Did I justify things I bought that I shouldn't have...Duh!! And did I find it difficult to deny the things I really wanted, and thought I should have, disappointingly yes .

In the process I learned that the temptation comes and goes, for a reason. There were times I never thought much about it and times where all I wanted to do was buy something...anything really. I learned that if I stayed away from the stores and malls I was fine but if I put myself in the middle of the madness of consumerism I was sucked in so fast it was scary. I mean really scary!!! Our eyes bring into our soul a scary amount of distraction and desire that is contrary to the things of the spirit. The more I live among the madness the less I see that is real and holy.

If I worried about what others thought it was harder. I found that the thought that others would think "I didn't have because I couldn't have" was a powerful thing. To feel less than makes you buy more than. And I learned I don't like feeling less than.

Although my thought was to align myself with the poor. That was pretty naive and arrogant, because no matter what, I could never accomplish that objective. No matter how much I do without, I will never live where 85% of the world lives AND anyway I am to shallow to ever put myself [THERE] or be able to make it if I did!!!

As I tried to become more aware socially I learned that "ignorance is truly bliss". And life is sooooo much easier to live without a thought for those who live without the essentials of life.

People have asked me if it was hard, I say yes. But it is only because I have to fight to put aside a worldliness I have allowed to grow inside me that should have no place.
The things of the spirit are contrary to the desires of the this world and I will have to continue to fight to put away the selfishness within me that tells me "I deserve it or I am entitled to it..The Christ has called me to something different, to deny myself and care more about the least among us.

random christmas

We are off to Miami in the morning..VERY early morning. We are so excited for a Christmas with all the kids!! E, Jenny and Will were here over night and then headed out the afternoon to start on the second leg of their trip. It was great to have Will here today..I just love to have him running around my house! Have I told you he is the cutest ever!!!! I spent the day baking and I am baked out!!! Now it is time to pack up and try to get a couple of hours sleep.

Some random thoughts about Christmas....

I love Christmas movies. I have successfully watched 500 hours of Christmas movies! Love them..all the same story basically, totally corny, totally idealistic.....
My favorite? It's a Wonderful Life.

I love Christmas cards..sending them and getting them

I'm a traditionalist, although my tinsel tree would mess that theory up. (This year I put up a tinsel tree with pink, purple, apple green and turquoise. I call it funky Mark calls it tacky!)

LOVE Love Christmas music

Stockings are the best part of Christmas morning

My favorite Christmas gift when I was a kid?..Velvet!! She was a doll with a long blonde ponytail that could be long or short by the push of her belly button.

My favorite recent Christmas memory? The Christmas after my mom died and "by chance" it ended up being just Mark, Ry, E and me at home.

My favorite memory as a kid? Midnight mass

My funniest Christmas memory? The year that my toilet was on the front lawn and the poinsettias caught on fire.

I love the Christmas story, It truly is amazing and miraculous!


I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday with people you hold dear and I pray that you will experience the peace and expectation of the coming Christ.